Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
