Duck Duck Cougar?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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