I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
