i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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