He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
