I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
