Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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