yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
