My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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