Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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