i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
