I showed him my bush... on skype.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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