i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
