dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
