I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
