When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
