If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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