I cockslap morals
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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