Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
