I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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