Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
