Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
