Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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