I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
