last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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