Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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