I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
