she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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