Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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