My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
