his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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