He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
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She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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