I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
