I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
