The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
