My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My penis needs a shock collar
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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