When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
