I cannot find my penis.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
