i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
