life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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