i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
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