Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
