I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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