Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
