I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
