I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
