i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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