Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she smelled like a LAN party
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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