If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
