i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
