i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
