Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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