fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
