My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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