I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
