On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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