i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
