Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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