i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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