I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
