i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
