put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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