He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
