Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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