This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
