My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
