Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
